Introspection in Four Minutes
“We live in an unprecedented time”
If I had dollar every time that was uttered, my college tuition would be payed for.
Of course we live in an unprecedented time, thousands of people are dying every day, the sitting president is refusing a peaceful transition, and McDonalds doesn’t have breakfast all day. It could be worse, but it could be better.
Going to college in the middle of a pandemic teaches you a lot about yourself. Mainly that technology is fallible and the Zoom links are never available when you actually need them. Along with social distancing and the virtualization of seminars and classes, socialization has fallen victim to the pandemic. College is a weird place where you don’t know if the person you saw today is the same individual, but with a different mask on, or just someone different entirely. The friends you do have become your besties, and you don’t feel that much obligation to make new ones, citing the raging pandemic as an excuse. It’s a valid one, but too often used in justifying opposition to social interaction.
So, no more in-person locking eyes and love at first sight. Now what?
The Internet.
If you’re like me, you have these annoying screen reports that ping you every week telling you how much time you’ve spent on your phone. Every week, I am considerably horrified at the increasing percentage of screen time from the last week, but when there’s nothing to do, why not scroll on TikTok for several hours at a time? This increase in screen time has forced my gaze upon people that have been so extremely productive during this time and it discourages me from attempting any project or any activity.
However, I must say, the more I stare at my phone, the more I hate it. The more I scroll through Twitter or Instagram and see the capitalist-centric updates, the more I want to read a book, newspaper, or employ my brain power to do literally anything else.
I’ve weened off the phone somewhat and have picked up an amazing book by author Leigh Bardugo. Ninth House is dark academia at it’s finest, written masterfully by Bardugo.
But after I’ve read enough pages and scrolled through countless posts, what happens after that?
Introspection
For those of you who don’t know, introspection is the process of examining ones current state, albeit mental or emotional. It’s only then do I realize how extremely exhausted I am. This exhaustion stems from the constant state of go. I always feel as if I have to be talking about this event or educating myself on this topic. It is so rare that I have time to ruminate in my own thoughts and allow myself to actually feel exhausted, beat, or defeated.
These are unprecedented times, but they aren't unprecedented feelings.
As I turn nineteen, I look back at my younger self and I ask, “How would I prepare myself for this? What measures would I implement to allow myself to be prepared for the mass amounts of loss and injustice that has occurred this year?”. It’s painfully rhetorical, but the simple action of considering the process is enough to realize that nobody has the right answer. I can’t stress enough how deeply this year has changed who I am and how I interact with the world around me. It may sound cheesy, but the thing I improve on every year is appreciating who I am and who I have become.
It sounds so disgustingly cliché, but it’s because society has emphasized output over growth, result over development.
I’m not an expert at introspection, and my pants would be incinerated if I told you this was a daily practice I have integrated into my routine. However, it is something that is vital for personal growth. College is a place with such diverse individuals. With so many new attributes, it can be hard to remember which ones are unique to you. But introspection is what facilitates self-acceptance, not the other way around.
If you’ve made it this long, thanks. I’ll end with this.
Allow yourself to feel lazy, allow yourself to feel burnout and exhaustion. No matter what is going on, these feelings are inevitable and the only way to get over the hump of unproductiveness and fatigue is to dive in head-first. Ask yourself, “Why am I so tired? What can I do to minimize this?” It’s not an easy fix and if you feel dumb saying it out loud, I do too. These are just simple steps to help examine how your emotions and self have been affected by the events around you. Immersing yourself in your own emotions and thoughts may sound dangerous and intense, but it has helped me explore who I am as an individual and how everyday actions affect my mental state.
As a birthday gift, consider donating to the Navajo Water Project, a non-profit that provides clean running water for indigenous families in Utah, New Mexico, and Arizona. No one should live without clean, running water, especially in such a dire time like this.
