Confessions of an 18-year old.
Eighteen is young and fresh, but I feel like I’ve lived for so long. My life up to this point has held so much fulfillment, heartbreak, and joy that I can’t imagine what else the future could hold. I told myself that I would have to write about this because it’s healthy to reflect on your past. When I talk about “confessions”, I’m not talking about the type that you conceit to get you out of even more trouble. I’m talking about the unspoken slights of my life — mainly my high school career. These confessions aren’t here to incriminate me, but to teach you.
I think it’s only natural to start with friendship. It’s one of those things that we all have a desire for. They can contain more intimacy than romantic relationships and feel like a safety net whenever things hit the fan. I learned within my high school career that friendships, no matter how many, are vital to survival. If I didn’t have people that I could fall on during exams, finals, and outright rough days, I know I wouldn’t be here. But with strong bonds come harsh realities. In my life, I’ve seen people who I’ve loved completely change and as a result of that they exited my life. It’s a different type of heartbreak, one that leads to confusion instead of white hot anger. Brokenness of the soul instead of the heart.
I’m a firm believer in a relationship consisting of two whole people, and not two halves creating one relationship. That type of thinking is dangerous and can lead to detrimental heartbreak. I’ve learned this the hard way, and it had shaped — molded, rather — my life, creating a unhealthy shell. This shell became an excuse for not investing in relationships and associating with other people. Though, slowly, it started to break with the revelation that the only ‘protective armor’ I have to wear is one of self-love and self-acceptance. I learned to not have an outright expectation that everyone will let you down and to look for the best inside of people instead of the worst.
Of course, I’ve experienced heartbreak and loss but I know you have too. Loss is unavoidable and jarring. I hate it, but I would be lying if I said I didn’t grow from it.
You know this, but loss isn’t solely attached to death.
When I started high school my dad decided to completely opt-out of my life. His excuse was that he didn’t want to deal with the behavior that I was displaying at the time, so instead of working through it, as a parent should, he stepped away from the situation. Reading that line back to myself makes me sound as if I’m bitter, but I can assure you I’m not. His stepping out of my life allowed me to grow and look at myself differently. When he sent me the email detailing his complaints, I was waiting to take my permit test. I remember sitting in the DMV staring at my phone and immediately asking myself what I did wrong. It took me what seemed like forever to accept that I was not the problem but it was my dad’s concept of parenting that was corrupt. That revelation was unlike any other I’d had and it changed my outlook on life. I hate the situation but love where I am because of it.
Now for what’s ahead.
If anything, I’ve been made aware of life’s brevity and to pursue that ‘thing’ no matter what it is. If you walk away with anything just know that life is so fragile. Make the hard decisions now in case you don’t get the chance later.
I can’t explain the amount of regret I have not pursuing relationships and opportunities out of fear of rejection or social execution. It’s not healthy to put that unnecessary weight on when the decision feels weightless to you alone. Sometimes I look back on how I didn’t express my true feelings in the past and wonder where I would be if I was just that much bolder. Confessions spin reality on it’s head — sometimes in your favor. It’s worth the risk.
Love and life go in tandem but that doesn’t mean one can’t go off the rails while the other is staying it’s course. That’s the thing that’s most exciting about life, it’s all unexpected and jumbled into these little moments.
Remember that the decisions you make are the ones you will have to deal with, so steer clear of anybody negatively influencing your life choices because they won’t have to deal with them. Whether your 5 years-old or 90, decisions made in the present still need full attention — your full attention and nobody else’s.
Life is about love. Love is what keeps us pushing forward instead of staying behind. But when that emotion is clouded with others’ thoughts, it creates a void in your life, one that can’t be filled with striving to please others.
I’ll try to heed this advice as plainly as I tell it to you: love unconditionally, no matter the cost. There always is a lesson that comes with love. As we get older those lessons become part of an encyclopedia that we reference from to navigate through the rough waters of life.
Listen to your heart, no one else.
